sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
