first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
