and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
