If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
