that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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