I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
