I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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