you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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