My first STD was from a foam party
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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