This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
