I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
