Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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