he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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