Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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