I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
