I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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