It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
