Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
