please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
