I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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