I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
