Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I cut my penus on the lid.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
