took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
