John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
