I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
