Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
