I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
