Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
