He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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