You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
