We won't sleep together?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
