it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
