BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
