I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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