i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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