We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
