So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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