Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
