3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
