you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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