We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
