I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
