Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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