So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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