Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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