I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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