Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
