First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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