i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
