I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
