i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
